Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Semen is not good for contacts.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
