She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
