I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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