Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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