Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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