I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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