i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Randomize
