I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
