He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
