Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
