So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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