the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
