just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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