Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
