she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
