I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
