i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
