I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
