I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
