I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
