youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
