if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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