if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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