I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
