I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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