my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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