im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Randomize
