Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
