Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
