I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
