plz talk dirty to me
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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