who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
