I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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