third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Are my feet made of real feet?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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