I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
