naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
