peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
