peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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