I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
