I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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