She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
