Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
NoShamevember. You game?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
