Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
