I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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