i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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