yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
