Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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