the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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