Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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