a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
