Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
