you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
