I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
