I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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