we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
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