I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
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