you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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