i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
