I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
