Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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