So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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