I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
