Umm I'm too high to move.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize